Posts tagged personal

I’ve found an amazing guy and he is mine. <3 He is respectful and kind and caring. :) Just wow. Just when I was about to give up, he surprised me. 

Life can be pretty amazing sometimes. 

I can’t let anyone in anymore. I just can’t. I’ve had my guard up from being hurt over and over again in the past and I don’t know how to take it down. I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into my obsessive anxiety and depression. I can feel darkness taking me over again and it’s worse than ever. I’ve never been so scared. I just feel like I’m going to go insane, and I wonder how I’m going to get away from this. I worry that I’ll end up being suicidal. I guess my worst fear is that I’ll keep getting worse until I reach that point. The fears just keep creeping in, of being a failure, of not being good enough, of being a freak, of being alone. 

all I want is spinach and artichoke dip, to ride around forever, to cuddle, swim, and never have to go to school or work again, oh and to see millions of shooting starts and never be sick or anxious or die, is that too much to ask for? xD

What people don’t get about me is there’s this quiet, deep, pensive, analytical side, but there’s also this random, hyper, talkative, silly side.

I hope I don’t fade in your memory
but I hope you fade in mine.
I’ve given you so many chances,
I’ve given you so much time.
At last, you had me broken down,
with no color left to show.
I thought it was the end of me,
I thought I’d lost all hope.
But eventually, there will be a victory,
and I will escape from here.
There was a price to pay,
it was living in all this fear.
But it was to make me stronger,
make me the person I am.
I will survive so much longer,
I have the willpower to withstand
all else that is thrown at me.
This burden will not define me.
I will come out of this stronger,
and you will not win. 

I look at life and feel so helpless sometimes. I see so much pain taking over such beautiful people, and I want to take it all away. Why is it always the good people that hurt the most? Even through their trials and dark shit holes that life puts them in, through all the beatdowns and cuts and breaks and bruises that life forces on their soul, they’re still the most wonderful people. It’s interesting to me, how they’re so tattered and worn, they seem so different in a way, but still they’re exactly the same. Some of the sweetest people I know, they’ve had it the hardest. They’ve fought death, and sickness, evil and abuse. These people still stand tall. These people are unsung heros, not letting the pain of life take away who they are, and the hope of good in humanity.

I wish I could take all the magic that exists just before sunrise and fix it. The hope it takes to chase a dream, or the wonder that exists when you’re such a young child, before understanding what the world really is, isn’t that magic enough to fix all the pain in the world? 

I am going to miss you. You were an amazing band, and got me through so much. It saddens me to know that now I will never see you live. 

So I was put on Lexapro a few weeks ago for my anxiety/depression.Ever since I’ve been on it my panic attacks have seemed to get worse but my overall mood has been better. Had anyone had any experience with this medication? Any advice? I’m wondering if the anxiety has to get better before it gets worse? I’ve been on it for two weeks now. 

has changed in the past few weeks. I do have a lot to be sad about, but I have a lot to be happy about too, and it’s the happy things I’m trying to focus on. 

The moment where it all changed.
You could feel it coming.
Suddenly everything has become dark, and shallow.
Both your voices distant, like a bad dream.
And then come the words, and the reason doesn’t matter.
Those same familiar words, you’ve heard from so many others before.
Of how he can’t be with you.
The excuses become shallow, and you tune them out.
All full of the empty words intended to make it better.
Of how you deserve more, of how you’ll find someone right for you.
But all you can see is all your hopes shattering on the ground again.
All the future you had planned disappearing into smoke.
All of it spinning, spiraling downward.
And you realize you’re going to be alone again.
And the sinking feeling starts.
The darkness, settles in.