Posts tagged alone

I can’t let anyone in anymore. I just can’t. I’ve had my guard up from being hurt over and over again in the past and I don’t know how to take it down. I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into my obsessive anxiety and depression. I can feel darkness taking me over again and it’s worse than ever. I’ve never been so scared. I just feel like I’m going to go insane, and I wonder how I’m going to get away from this. I worry that I’ll end up being suicidal. I guess my worst fear is that I’ll keep getting worse until I reach that point. The fears just keep creeping in, of being a failure, of not being good enough, of being a freak, of being alone. 

because this is MY blog and that’s what it’s for. I’ve had a really horrible last year or so, my depression/anxiety has gotten the worst that it’s ever been. Something I’ve noticed that’s truly been the cause of this are two main things 1) the constant feeling that I’ll never be good enough and 2) the constant disappointment and let downs of the people around me. Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I let toxic people stay in my life, even when they are making my self loathing worse. I have people in my life that are two-faced, hypocritical, and judgemental. It’s like I’m there for them, but they can barely spare two minutes for me when I’m going through something. They’ve done me wrong many times, yet I keep forgiving them again and again, convincing myself that eventually they’ll change, but deep down I know they won’t. They’ll just keep hurting me. I think the reason that I do this because I’d rather have toxic people in my life than no one at all. To go through life completely alone scares the hell out of me. Also, a lot of these toxic people have been in my life for years and years. I’m constantly battling the choice of bringing issues up with someone and trying to confront them or just letting it go, I can never tell if it’s worth talking about or not. If anyone has any advice on dealing with the choice of trying to decide which people are worth keeping in your life/ losing close friends, or just any advice on dealing with anxiety/depression in general feel free to message me. I’m also here if anyone needs someone to talk to, or could use a friend as well. 

I guess I’m ready to get away from it all, you know? I feel like I should be somewhere different by now, somewhere far away. I’m tired of dealing with all the people from my past, all the people that ever made me feel like shit, all the people that I was never good enough for. I’ve had a good, long year of being responsible and strong, but I’m tired of that now. I’m ready to be rebellious. I’m ready to drive away and never look back. I’m ready to meet someone knew, someone that can help me see the world from a different perspective. 

Music is there for me. TV shows are there for me. Books and movies and poetry are there for me. Writing and words and art is there for me. Nature is there for me. Never people. People come in and out of my life so fast, it’s like the wind. It’s like I’m always standing there waiting for their ghost, wanting them back. No one misses me. People act like they care for a very short time, and then they leave. It’s that simple. Everyone always gives up on me. I feel like I am always fighting to give them the benefit of the doubt, but no one fights for me. 

I could really use a friend right now. Too bad I don’t have any.

It’s like the worst addiction you can have. To be addicted to someone who is two different people. To love someone who is generally absent. To let your heart fall into the hands of the one who without a doubt will break it. 

That moment when you’re already feeling down/alone and someone has to rub it in your face, yeah, wonderful timing. 

But sometimes I get tired of faking it. I feel like shit a lot of the time. I’m tired of my head hurting, and I’m sick of feeling tired all the time. I’m tired of feeling alone and empty and out of place. I just keep waiting and waiting for things to get better, but they don’t. It’s not like I don’t make an effort, because I try as hard as I can to get out every day and be productive, but honestly most things just seem pointless to me now.